I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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