That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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