I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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