Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
