so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
