you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you didnt know i had herpes?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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