I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
