he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
