my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
