Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
