It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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