Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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