someone threw a dead crab at me
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
