That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
