Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
not ubering you a puppy
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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