She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I could make wine with my vomit
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
