Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
