I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
