I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
