this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
