i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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