I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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