im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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