i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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