ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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