he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
