i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
