Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
