The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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