I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
