"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
