My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
