Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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