Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
