birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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