he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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