I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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