she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
