I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
