YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
