I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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