If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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