I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
