i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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