JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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