3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Please don't give away my fajitas
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
