Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
