and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
