Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Couch. On fire.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
