If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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